If you love karaoke, you’ll be grieved that this post had to be formalized.  Yet recently I’ve seen some crazy displays at karaoke nights.  And I’m not talking about a one time occurrence with drunken sorority girls, either.  It’s the veteran karaoke enthusiasts torching good manners!  I swear I witnessed two older women fighting about who could sing “You Can’t Take That Away From Me.”  Our departed Frank is spinning in his grave.

So to dodge a false step at the next karaoke show, I’m going to lay down some core good manners for karaoke night.  I know this break down is an exercise in futility, since karaoke performers who most desperately should see it are the least likely people who would look for it.  Allow me pretend that KJs will read it, print it, and post it on their karaoke DJ equipment all around the country.

These are the “You Know Better” manners.  I’m praying that karaoke enthusiasts find this list obvious and unnecessary.  If you can’t hear what I’m spouting on about, maybe you need to adjust the volume up on etiquette.  Creating this essay is making me sound old: “When I was young, we lugged our machine karaoke through the sleet and ice, uphill both ways AND we were well mannered, also…”

1. Boo-ing and heckling a performer is an absolute no-no
2. Do not fail to clap at the conclusion of a tune.  I don’t care if the performance seemed as though the performer was scratching nails on a chalkboard.  Nothing oils the sticky roller of a failed performance like a little ovation. And you could clutch on a track sometime, also!
3. Stealing the limelight from someone else by joining them onstage or wrestling at the mic uninvited is rude.  If you aren’t invited, glue your bottom to your seat.
4. Treat the KJ politely.  If your song seems delayed in the rotation, never shout, whine, or badger.  Assume the KJ deserves the benefit of the doubt – he or she probably has a plan for arranging the tunes in a given manner.  You might be amazed about the many conditions that influence when your song is called or when your request suits the overall night the most seamlessly.  So always leave the KJ credit for good intentions.  Naturally, request slips may be misplaced so when you suspect a mishap ask the KJ courteously during a free minute.
5. Be careful with the karaoke mic and the songbook.  These are usually the karaoke DJs own gear and these things are expensive.  Since karaoke DJs are regularly underpaid, damaging their VocoPro accessories is a seriously mean thing to do.
6. Putting in a karaoke slip for another’s name is an awful plan.  I can’t think of a scenario where a real friend could do this.
7. Abstain from profanity if you have the karaoke mic.  When profanity is amplified through five hundred watt speakers, it lacks panache and comes out ugly.
8. Drunken karaoke is only entertaining for the drunkard.  And sometimes, that happy perception alters when you sober up later on.  A little liquid courage is a charming karaoke tradition, but getting too drunk to read the lyrics on the karaoke screen isn’t so charming.  Remember, when you cannot walk on to the stage, that’s when you shouldn’t!

If you hope to be a courteous karaoke participant, you possess the essential rules.  I am hoping you thought every bullet point self-evident to the point of humor.  But if you don’t observe better manners at your watering hole, go ahead and copy the preceding eight guidelines and hang ‘em high.  Show the entire nation good mannered karaoke!